NEIL COWMEADOW - THE EXPERT GUITAR TEACHER IN TELFORD. GUITAR TEACHER AND AUTHOR. GUITAR LESSONS THAT WORK! DEDICATED TO TEACHING SINCE 1999 - ACCELERATED LEARNING TECHNIQUES: LEARN FASTER, PLAY BETTER, AND UNDERSTAND...

Episode 109 - No, Yes But, Yes And...

The Thursday Thesis  - 26/07/2018

All I suggested was that we should go out for a coffee, so how did we end up here – flying a hang-glider over the snow-capped mountains, in search of owls?

It must have been something I said, or she said, or both...

Yes, I was on yet another course – learning more interesting “stuff” to add to the rag-bag of other people’s brilliance and the random churning of pig-headedness that pass for my mind – and now that what I learned there has been stirred into the melange and fermented...

I was told to ask my play-buddy out on a first date, and we were instructed by the course leader, Claire, to answer each other with the word “No...” and then our reasons why not.

It didn’t go well: within a few minutes of “no” after “no” I was done. My usual state of boundless, puppy-dog energy was flagging and my self esteem was down around my ankles.

We traded places and revenge was mine!

Frustration reigned and we were both battered by rejection.

Claire gleefully pointed out that hearing someone say “no” to us and our opportunities – especially the incredible prospect of going out on a date with me (she didn’t actually say that a date with me was a great opportunity, but I knew that’s what she meant) – would quickly shut us down and train us to not bother asking again.

Life’s like that: if you keep saying “no” to doing good stuff and life will stop offering you the chance to play.

It got a little better in the next game, when we were invited to play the scenario again, but answer “yes, but...” and give a conditional response.

This was simply annoying.

“Would you like to meet up for coffee and to talk for a while?” She asked.

“Yes, but only if we can meet at a place that serves real Italian coffee.” I said.

“Yes, but Italian coffee makes me woozy, so how about Costa, on New Market Street?”

“Yes, but Costa is a big chain and it’s totally un-authentic” I countered “Can we go somewhere with a more personal vibe?”

Grrr – frustrating!

Every opportunity was accepted, then modified or a condition attached. My play-buddy was annoyed by my evasiveness.

We swapped sides and she immediately began to get on my nerves. I felt like I was trying to nail a blancmange to the ceiling: no matter what I suggested, she always dodged and added a condition.

Claire stepped in before the violence began, suggesting that we try to get a date one more time, but always answer each other with “Yes, and...” and to see what happened.

“Would you like to meet up for coffee and have a chat?” I asked.

“Yes, and perhaps a Panini for lunch, too?”

“Yes, and then we’d probably need – just for research purposes, you understand – a nice pastry
or a very, very small dessert to polish it off. What do you think?”

“Yes, and then perhaps we could take a walk by the river and enjoy the late afternoon sunshine?”

“Yes, and if we’re having fun we could watch the sunset and listen to the owls waking up: I love owls”

“Yes, and...”

I don’t remember exactly how we ended up flying a hang-glider or where the snow-capped mountains were, but we laughed and egged one another on to make the hypothetical date exhilarating and exciting.

That’s what happens when we say “Yes, and...” our brains get all creative and stuff, they begin to play and invent, to sniff out opportunities and possibilities.

So, are you having a fabulous day?

Answer “Yes, and..” and see where it takes you – you might be pleasantly flabbergasted.
 
© Neil Cowmeadow 2018
Please Like and Share The Thursday Thesis with your friends, family, your cat, unicorn and anyone else. I’d love to hear your comments, along with any ideas you’d care to hurl at me.
info@NeilCowmeadow.com
 

Episode 107 - Want, Should and Gonna

The Thursday Thesis  - 12/07/2018
 
“Michael, what do you want?”

As a coach, that’s my killer question, and it really is the killer question in life, isn’t it?

As our session continued, my question morphed into several, subtler variations, aiming to pick out what Michael was serious about, what was just a fantasy, and which of his answers were just other people’s plans for him.

You see, we all have wants and wishes, but the chances are that we won’t end up with the things we want.
Why is that?

There are three levels of desire, as far as I can tell:

• Wants and Wishes
• Shoulds and oughtas
• Musts and Gottas.

Those three levels of desire are based on the words we use to describe what we want. I’d go as far as saying that the elusively obvious truth is that our words are cues to what really matters, as well as dead-giveaway cues to our relative levels of desire, motivation and certainty.

A wish or a want is a nice-to-have-it sort of desire: we’d like to write a Christmas number one record or wish we could win the lottery, but...

That “want” is a wishy-washy kind of desire – it simply isn’t strong enough to compel us to take massive, determined and focused action over time.

A “want” won’t cook the rice, as the old saying goes.

And as for wishes – don’t waste your time wishing for anything. Write that wish off as a pleasant daydream with precisely zero chance of it ever coming true, because that’s what a wish is.

Wanting and wishing will have you coming up empty every time, because there’s no action to back them up.

And action is the key.

Getting off your arse and doing something about your own life and how you want to live it will move you – imperceptibly at first – in the direction of your dreams and desires. But to inspire yourself to take action you have to focus and intensify that simple want and that nebulous wish into a desire.

Our personal energy is like sunshine: unfocused, we can warm a wide area of the earth. Only when we are able to gather and concentrate that energy – like sunshine through a magnifying lens – can we begin to make massive progress. Our warming sunlight can become a blazing dot of searing heat, but we need the lens to do it.

So, what is the lens for personal power and achievement?

I’ll tell you in a little while, after we deal with the red-herrings of all the goals we “should” and “ought to” go for.

“Red-herrings?” you say.

Yes, a red-herring: a false or misleading idea or thing; a device of deception.

Our should and oughta goals are not really our goals: they are somebody else’s goals, or our idea of what would be acceptable to somebody else. Whether it’s a societal expectation or the desire to match-up to another person’s expectations, those outcomes are almost always expressed as “should” or “oughta”.

We might achieve those goals, but we’ll invariably find that to be a hollow achievement. Think of the executive climbing the corporate ladder for decades, finally making it to the boardroom or the CEO position, only to realise that the ladder they fought so hard to climb was not leaning against anything that they, themselves, actually gave a hoot about?

Here’s another thing to consider about should and oughtas – especially if you are running a team or a relationship: if someone is pushed or coerced into complying with your wishes, then you may get your project over the line or hit your target. But – and it’s a big but – expect resistance from the team or your partner along the way: there will be pushback and passive resistance any time you are forcing the issue or compelling someone to do something they are not comfortable with or aligned with. Pressed people will get even, sooner or later.

So it’s safe to say that the things we should and oughta do are being verbally flagged for our attention by the words we use. Once you perceive those cues you can set about doing something that matters to you, rather than chasing someone else’s bus.

Pay attention to the words...

Finally there are our highest, most puissant desires – out Gottas and our Musts. These are the ones that count, and the ones that have a chance of actually happening.

The moment we decide that it’s GOTTA happen, that we absolutely MUST get it done – no matter what it takes - we are much more likely to commit ourselves to taking action and making things happen. Our moments of decision are the moments in which everything changes: the change begins as a change of state, a change of heart or a change of mind, and from that moment we are never the same again.

Once your attention is focused on the goal you Must have, the you’ve Gotta do, then you begin to navigate the world based upon that goal, creating a self-fulfilling prophecy of success.

But this will not be easy. Goal oriented people are not like anyone else, they are changelings, and they will not be controlled or subdued, they are a tribe apart, a primal force of relentless energy  - all eyes on the prize, all attention focused.

So here’s the thing: what do you want?

How you talk about it, especially to yourself, will be an accurate predictor of whether or not you will get what you want - that's why your words are the lens that focuses your attention. Just like a magnifying glass gathering sunshine into a pinprick of ubearable heat, the right words can gather your attention and focus your energy into a tiny dot of unstoppable power.

Pay close attention to your words, they may be trying to tell you something.

© Neil Cowmeadow 2018
Please Like and Share The Thursday Thesis with your friends, family, your cat, unicorn and anyone else. I’d love to hear your comments, along with any ideas you’d care to hurl at me.
info@NeilCowmeadow.com

The Thursday Thesis  - 5/07/2018
 
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.”
 
I’m writing this on the 4th of July, the traditional - but erroneous – date on which the United States of America celebrates its declaration of Independence from British rule.

Now, it’s a little-known fact that the embryonic United States actually declared themselves independent from Britain – not on the 4th of July – but on the 2nd of July 1776.

Why the delay?

Paperwork.

Yep, it took two whole days for the Second Continental Congress to sign-off the Declaration of Independence, as drafted by Thomas Jefferson and the “Committee of Five”. That two-day delay is the reason America shuts down for a holiday on the 4th of July, rather than the 2nd.

An American friend told me “...that piece of paper changed everything”, and she was right – except that she wasn’t.

The piece of paper changed nothing – all the heavy lifting work was done by the words on that piece of paper.

With only words, the drafting committee changed the World.

Putting their beliefs and intentions down on paper transformed ideas into concrete principles and gave the thoughts of the committee members a sort of eternal life.

Words change stuff. The right words change things for the better - the wrong words...

American scholar Noam Chomsky theorises that communication has two levels: the Deep Structure is the meaning to be conveyed, whilst the Surface Structure is the form of words used to convey the Deep Structure.

Think about that for a moment.

Think about the deep, broad, unbounded and unfathomable bond, the innate emotional connection between a parent and child or between lifelong partners.

Love is too small a word for it, yet Love is the universal shorthand for it - in all of its stark simplicity and its infinite, baffling complexity.

Words change everything, especially the words we say about ourselves: they are the way we tell The World who we are, and – more importantly – we tell ourselves who we are.

The words “I do” change who we are in society if spoken in a marriage ceremony.

And the words “I am” change who we are in our own world.

Whatever you say about yourself, you will conform to it, because it is well known that we become what we think about most of the time.

Tell yourself you can’t do something, and you’re probably right.

But tell yourself you won’t quit until you’ve done it, and that’s a whole new ball game.

“So...” I hear you mutter, “...what’s this go to do with Independence Day?”

I’m glad you asked: it’s got everything to do with Independence Day. Without the words on paper which told America what she was and what she believed in, which gave her an identity, America would have remained a resentful colony of England.

And what’s this got to do with you and me on the 4th of July?

Everything.

Today and every day, we – like America - can declare our own state of independence, using our own words, not the dogma and helplessness of the zealots and the doomsayers, or the indifference of dullards.

What words would you like to speak, write, sing, sign or dance about yourself?

With our very words we summon our own realities

You and I are conjurors incanting “Abracadabra!”
 
© Neil Cowmeadow 2018
Please Like and Share The Thursday Thesis with your friends, family, your cat, unicorn and anyone else. I’d love to hear your comments, along with any ideas you’d care to hurl at me.
info@NeilCowmeadow.com